


OTP AU Questionnaire, Helmet Party!

by MisSuzyQ



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: AU, M/M, Meme, Questionnaire, Shorts, helmet party, otp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 16:59:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3257501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MisSuzyQ/pseuds/MisSuzyQ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I did this thing with Sfhebai on tumblr. It's a AU Questionnaire/meme thing where one person draws that AU and the other person writes. I wrote in tiny font to try to fill the boxes. I figured, just in case people can't read tiny font, I'd post it here too. And, because I put them in boxes and really had limited space, so they're more or less drabbles.</p><p>Here's the <a href="http://sfheibai.tumblr.com/post/109877866039/i-made-a-au-questionnaire-and-doing-this-with-my">original post</a> you should check out to see Sfhebai's awesome art (and see how tiny of a font I used) and here's the <a href="http://a.pomf.se/jzpjpt.jpg">the blank version</a> so you and your artsy friend to do OTP-related fun!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Waiter and Regular Customer

Third round table down the furthest wall beneath the mounted ten-point White Tail deer head. That’s where Dell sat every Wednesday and Thursday after seven p.m. at Dave’s Steakhouse. The staff had long since stopped guiding him to the table and always had a beer waiting for him. On December 29th, there was no beer. Strange but he didn’t mind. He took his seat, glancing to the left when he saw Fred with a waiter he’d never seen before. Tall, muscular, military-cut mouse colored hair, standing with his arms folded. Not too bad of a looker in his opinion. Would look better if he smiled though. Well, if he liked men, that was. After Fred pointed at his table, the new face stomped towards him. Becoming a regular automatically signed you up to be the practice customer for new waiters, apparently. 

The new waiter stopped with his heels together and jabbed the tri-fold menu into Dell’s hands. “This is Dave’s Steakhouse and I am Jane,” he proclaimed in a thunderous voice. “You will look through this list of edible things and select one of your choosing and eat it! What will you want, consumer?” 

Sealing his lips tight and nodding, Dell kept in his laughter. Like he did with other new waiters, he unfolded the menu slightly then let the laminated paper drop on the table. “Honestly, don’t know what I want,” he said. “What all y’got that’s good here?” He always knew what he wanted when he walked in, but this was a common question and it gave new waiters the chance to realize how well they knew their restaurant.

“Food!”

Perhaps there was something humorously attractive about his bluntness or it was because Dell wanted to see how stupid this man was. Either way, he said, “well, then that’s what’ll take!” 

“Yes sir!” Pulling out his order notepad and a pen, Jane wrote, F-O-O, then stopped and glared at Dell. “Do you think I’m stupid, tax payer?” He punched the table. “If you were in my unit, I’d beat your ass for undermining me!”

Salt and pepper spilt on the table as Dell slapped his hand down. “And if I were on a ranch, I’d hog-tie you down before you could blink!”Those steel blue eyes glared into him with a handsome fierceness. Silently, they stared each other down, until the strangest thing happened. Dell laughed, and stranger yet, Jane laughed too. Oh, and how handsome that man was when he smiled. Just to see more of it, Dell talked to him. About what, he couldn’t remember. All he remembers was that Jane radiated a certain beauty as he smiled and responded. Jane quickly became attractive. Well, Jane would be if he was gay. Neither of them noticed when Fred had given up on Jane or when the waiters prepared the steakhouse to close. He assumed that Jane only kept his job because Dave knew how talkative he was. That and Dave confessed that it was somehow his advice, not the waiter’s constant training, that improved Jane’s sociable skills.

Over the weeks, Dell began going to Dave’s nightly to see Jane. Of course he didn’t keep Jane longer than needed. Just enough to hear that rugged voice, to see that handsome smile, and to know more about him. Though he eagrly absorbed Jane’s gorgeous personality, he felt that he lacked any knowledge about his life. Grew up in the Midwest, served in the Army, went home, began working at Dave’s. That’s all that he knew. He wanted to know more about Jane, wanted to be around Jane more...he wanted Jane. That’s what he admitted to himself on February 3rd, shortly before deciding to ask Jane out.The simple plan failed when he learned that Jane traded shifts for that day. After he ate dinner and walked down the sidewalk to the parking garage, shivering as snowflakes assaulted his face, he bumped into a homeless man. He caught glimpse of his face. “Jane?” Those steel blue eyes simply looked into him. Leaning to his left, he looked into the alley and saw a sleeping bag unrolled next to a barrel that humbly served as a fireplace. 

“Dave found my home a few weeks ago,” Jane admitted. “He gave me a job and said that I should live in a shelter. That’s all the way across town. Not that I need a damn shelter anyways. I’m fine out here.”

“Boy, it’s below freezing,” Dell exclaimed. “Come home with me and I’ll keep you warm!” It wasn’t until he felt something incredibly cold in his palm did he realize that he instinctively grabbed Jane’s hand. Between seeing Jane’s hand in his own and realizing how his words sounded, blood heated his cheeks. The correct thing would have been to clarify that he meant Jane should live with him until he could afford a place and that he had good heating in his house; but none of that clarity left his mind. He feared all that was going on behind those steel blue eyes until his hand was squeezed.


	2. The Jailer and the Prisoner

The South, 1930  
Sweat caused bits of tobacco to cling to Warden Jane Doe’s fingers as he scattered the tiny chopped leaves along the paper. They were flicked away as he licked the paper’s edge, keeping an eye on the chain gangs as he rolled his cigarette. Groups of black and white stripes stood in lines across the field, slamming their rhythm onto the rocks, bellowing their songs into the blistering heat of the summer air. He placed the cigarette between his lips and drug the head of a match across his cheek. Flames nearly licked his face when his hand froze. There he was. Jane still couldn’t believe that Dell Conagher would be one of the prisoners he’d watch labor to repent for his crimes. The worst part wasn’t that he loved. No, the tragedy was that he was confident that the Texan suffered for a crime he did not commit. Though he was the first warden to greet the once-sheriff when he was brought in that morning, seeing Dell in shackles among criminals he had brought in years ago was still surreal. After finally lighting his cigarette, Jane decided to walk by. 

About a yard away, Jane could overhear the men on Dell’s left and right talking. “Woowee, fancy seeing you here, Sheriff!” “Sure is! Ain’t thinkin’ you’d rot away like the rest of us now, didja?” The bald man ignored them as he hammered away at the sizeable rock.“No sirry! Not Sheriff Conagher! He’s too high and mighty to be with the likes of us!” “Give me that there hammer, Sheriff! Don’t want to get blisters on those delicate trigger fingers of yours!” “Can’t have none of that now!” “Think this is bad? Just you wait til we get to camp!” “Ain’t no one forgettin’ who brought them into this hell hole!” “Ain‘t no one be sad when you don’t live through your first night!” “Maybe we shoulda oughta keep you ‘live for a bit, y’know, break you in real good.” “Yeah, we gonna break you real good, Sheriff.”

The world came to a hush when it heard Dell’s hammer colid against the chest of the man to his right, watching as he swung the thick metal into the other man’s leg. After kicking away the hammer of his inmate to the left, Dell stood tall and eyed all bodies that surrounded him. He spoke in a loud, level voice. “Since I got all y’alls attention, I got somethin’ to say. Seein‘ me here and deciding that I can’t do nothin‘ is dangerous thinkin’. I ain’t part of the law now. Got nothin’ stoppin’ me from doin’ somethin’ if someone tries to screw with me. See these here fellas?” His hammer swung down on the stomach of the man to his left. “They were thinkin’ they’d break me in. Ain’t that whatcha said just now? ‘less it was just some unfortunate misunderstandin’.” Groaning was the response of his victims. “I don’t take kindly to anyone breakin’ me in. ‘Member them when you see me. Mess with the bull, get the horns. Reckon I made myself plenty damn clear.”

Everyone was still frozen when Jane shouted his instructions to the other wardens. Two small groups rushed to the victims while Jane handcuffed Dell. The Texan’s hands draped over the small of his back when he was unhitched from the chain. With one hand on the chain between Dell’s hands, Jane pushed them towards the sweatbox. Bits and pieces of Jane’s soul trailed behind them as they closed in on Dell’s punishment. Dell whispered, “glad you could keep to your word ‘bout treating me like everyone else. Could’ve jumped in before I got the other fella but better than you just letting me get by. I know it’s hard to forget all those starry nights together but it’s really the best for us in the long run if’n you give me no special treatment.”

“I’m not forgetting,” Jane whispered back. “I’ll never forget. You might be my prisoner now but I’ll be there for you when they find the real murderer.”

Shaking his head, Dell laughed quietly. “Ain’t no one gonna prove me innocent. They got their man. They’ve filed the case away and it’ll collect dust. And if my eyes didn’t deceive me, no one bothered to stop me from killin’ two fellas. Even you just watched. You know just as well as I do; Justice is an easily persuaded lady and most of her helpers are lazy sons-a-bitches. It‘s very likely I’ll die here.”

“I’ll still wait for you.” Jane felt his spare hand instinctivly grasp one of Dell’s. Though blisters were scattered along his fingers and palm, Dell clung tightly.

Silence followed them for the rest of the journey. Dell didn’t fight back when Jane freed his hands. Instead, he stepped into the wooden box without a word, facing the wall as Jane closed the door. Hands shaking, Jane put the door block in place. Deep breaths were all that kept Jane from collapsing as he headed towards the mass of black and white stripes. After reaching into his pocket, he rolled a new cigarette. He shoved the end between his lips and put on a stern face. Dell would not suffer more here on his account. At no cost would Jane let anyone know that he loved Dell. Everything about this was wrong. God, everything was wrong.


	3. The Knight and the king

Shining blurry colors appeared slowly as Jane opened his eyes. Before his dreamless sleep, he was on a quest to defeat the wizard Merasmus who had a great hand in aiding the enemy and kicked him out of the house. Within the dark forest he met King Dell of Beehive on the same quest. Well, not for revenging being kicked out but to defeat the enemy’s right hand wizard. Despite both the knight and the king feeling it was a one man quest, they banded together. Through caves, demonic wastelands, and more magical forests they traveled, cutting down whoever or whatever threatened to end their righteous cause. 

Each mile that passed caused Jane to grow close to the king. It wasn’t until he found himself watching Dell sleep instead of keeping guard of the camp, thinking words like handsome and wonderful to describe the king, that he wished to be of higher status. Not that knight was a low status, but what king would love a knight? Kings fell in love with dutchesses, queens, princesses, perhaps other kings, not knights. He didn’t have a high enough title to earn a king as a lover. The best he would have was Dell’s company, for as long as it lasted, and his dreams. If he were to even kiss him, that would be enough. Just to have that brief moment of intimacy even if the feeling wasn’t mutual. 

One rainy day, they arrived at the keep. Minions surrounded them left and right. Each one was slain where they stood. Many deadly blows and many doors later, they found Merasmus. Before they could attack, the wizard hurled a green spell towards Dell. No hesitation was on Jane’s part as he pushed Dell aside. That’s world turned black that only just ended. There was much relief on his part when he looked around at his surroundings and saw that Dell was sitting at the edge of the bed. The knight was laying between sheets, wearing a thin shirt and pants. “’bout time you woke up,” Dell said, lightly punching him on the arm. “You’ve been out cold for days. Been keepin’ you in my room so I could keep an eye on you personally.”

Sitting up, Jane asked, “did you defeat my room mate?”

“Well, sorta. He tried to fire ‘nother spell at me which I reflected back with a mirror. Dunno what he originally was thinkin’ he was castin’ but when the spell hit him, he turned into a lil’ ol’ jack rabbit. Hopped on out faster than a thief in a police town.” Dell’s eyes followed him as Jane crawled out of the bed and searched for his clothes. Rubbing the back of his head, he looked down at the floor then back to Jane. “Y’know, Sir Doe, I owe you. Just keeping you from dyin’ and watchin‘ you didn’t feel ‘nough. If it weren’t for you, who knows what’d’ve happened to me. Anythin’ you want.”

The chainmail Jane found dropped from his hands. “Anything?”

“Anythin’.” Anything, by definitoin, meant any single thing. By that definition, any single thing Jane wanted could be his. However, Jane still felt that it would be impossible to have Dell’s hand or a night with him. Besides, he really wanted one simple thing. Thuds followed his slow, heavy footsteps as he approached Dell. Lifting Dell’s chin with his fingertips, he gazed into Dell’s eyes before taking a tender kiss from his lips. He began to walk away, only to be grabbed by the hand.“Y’know, when I said anythin’, I really did mean anythin’.” Jane turned around, feeling Dell caress his face. “If’n’ya only wanted a kiss, I’m glad you got it but, I‘d like to give you somethin’ more.” There was shimmer in Dell’s eyes that said, stay.

Jane leaned in to passionately kiss Dell and was dragged into the middle of the bed for it. Their kiss became wilder with desire. Clothing was cast away onto the floor for the to absorb the blazing heat of the others skin. Needing more of Dell’s natural taste, Jane’s lips traveled over Dell’s heart, down his heaving stomach, and lapped against his head. Fingers wrapped around the back of Jane’s skull as he took in more, sucking eagerly at Dell. Fulfilling moans that dripped from the kings mouth with the tight sensation around him that became sighs of anticipation when the knight sat up and rubbed his spit over his aching cock. 

Gradually, Jane thrust into Dell as he pressed his lips upon Dell’s, only speeding up when he heard his name dripping into his mouth. Nails dug into his back as he strives to plunge deeper with every stroke. Each movement pushed him closer to bliss, building within him until it became unbearable. By the way Dell panted his name, he knew he felt the same. Reaching between their bodies, he grabbed Dell’s throbbing cock and tightly moved his hand along the length in time with his frantic speed until they both euphoria errupted within them. He smiled looking down upon the very pleased Dell. As he gave a soft kiss against Dell’s tender lips, he felt overwhelming joy that he could have his king.


	4. The Spacecraft Pilot and his Navigator

The president’s voice rang clear throughout the cocpit. “Our children and our children’s children will be able to go play outside, to live and travel in space without fear. They will read about our brave men and women in text books and know April 17th, 2210 as the day the world was saved. Our enemy has been defeated. The future is in our hands again.” A mass of applause and cheers filled the air upon the close of the president’s speech.

Jane shot up from his navigator’s chair and raised his fists. “America wins again,” he shouted.

“Weren’t no doubt about it that’d we’d win from day one,” Dell said. He relaxed in his pilot seat, watching Jane move with the overwhelming patriotism that possessed him. 

Only three years ago did that man run into his little shop in Beehive,Texas. Though he informed Jane that his project on converting the Martian B-26 Marauder plane into a fighter spacecraft was just out of hobby, Jane wasn’t willing to listen. It wasn’t until he literally threw Jane out of his shop window that Jane said it was a sign. Since he was a boy, Jane wanted to fight in a great war like his ancestors. Jane’s great-great-great-great-grandfather served in World War II as a bomber pilot so the aircraft was a sign from God. A sign that he would help Jane bring the war to an end. He was one-hundred percent sure that he wasn’t told by a deity to modify the World War II medium bomber to fly in space ; yet, somehow, his mind was changed. With Jane as navigator and gunner, he flew the B-26 into space.

Time evaporated in the endless miles of stars and planets. Somewhere in their existance among the vast darkness, Dell found himself in Jane’s embrace. At first, it was strange yet exhilarating. Now, it was simply blissful, knowing Jane was always at his side. He thought it would last forever, waking up in Jane’s arms. When they “knew” the war was coming to a close, he kept wondering, would it last forever? Nearly every day with Jane had been magnificent. He didn’t want to be forced to adjust into a life without him. No, he couldn’t adjust back after being around Jane every breath since they first launched away from Earth. Taking a deep breath, Dell asked, “whatcha gonna to do now, hoss?”

Jane stopped and looked at Dell. For a moment, he was quiet. “I haven’t really thought about it,” he admitted. “I suppose I’ll do whatever America needs me to do. For now, she’s safe.” He paused to scratch the back of his neck. “It might be nice to settle down until I hear a need for me to rise in her defense. Have children of my own to tell my story to. Perhaps, one day, they’ll protect our great country as well.”

“That’s what I want,” Dell said. “A nice, quiet home in the middle of nowhere. Waking up every morning next to a handsome person. Someone strong-willed that might tend to distract me in my inventing process. Y’know, the sort of person that, though they might not be smart, has a brilliant, beautiful mind. Gotta have a good sense of humor. That’s the sort of person I want for the rest of my days. Wonderin’ if you’d be interested in being that person.”

Slowly, Jane walked to the pilot’s chair. “Dell, are you asking me to marry you?”

Dell rose to his feet and stood close to Jane. There was a glisten of joy in the blue eyes he gazed into. “Whatcha gonna do if I say, ‘yes?’” A strong hand held his jaw, rubbing his cheek as he was pulled into a kiss. With one arm wrapped around Jane’s waist, he punched the anti-gravity button. Nothing held them back from being completely absorbed in the passion of the other. Any worry Dell had about being alone dissolved into space. He would never have to remember how to live life without the man he loved.


	5. The Demon and the Priest

One shot for repentance. Dull pain still coursed in Jane Doe’s knees as he walked from hours of prayer to hear a faint, crisp voice tell his soul those four words. Yesterday was the first time he had prayed in four years. A natural form of communication with God made ackward since that day. Before then, he was a priest that specialized in spirits, demons, and other nefarious existences that other men of the collar wouldn’t even dare vocally acknowledge could roam the earth. Four years ago they were careless and unknowing of the strength of the demon they so eagerly hunted. That vein unpreparedness caused the demon to take Father Conagher’s body as his shell. Though Jane had called to Father Conagher, his companion was locked away in a mental vault, unable to fight against the terror that coursed through his flesh. Every time they met, the demon used the deadliest weapon at his disposal. Because the demon had the father’s body, he knew that they had a cycle of breaking their law of chastity together and repentance out of an uncontroable feeling of love and need. Lust was the bullet Jane could never dodge when the demon fired it into him. After multiple hits from the many attempts to bring down his enemy only to be left alone in a bed, Jane decided to put away the collar. While he fought the minions that worked for that demon, he decided he was unfit to stop the hell he unleashed upon the earth.

Today would not be like those days. Jane was told what was required to be forgiven. Jane knew what he had to do. Wearing all black and with his one shot loaded away, he set off into the building where he could feel the demon the strongest. His desire to save Father Conagher gave him courage in his trail as he roamed the dead building. When he saw the demon in the hallway, he was ready.

“Been an awful long time since I saw you, hoss,” the shell of Father Conagher said with a sly grin and an evil glisten in his crimson eyes. Though it even sounded like him, the smooth voice tasted like a delectable poison rather than a sweet honey to his ears.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Jane replied, closing in. “Since you left me, I haven’t stopped thinking about you and, god, I need more!” Three large, fast steps allowed him to pin the demon between the wall and his whole body. The taste of that devil he tasted when he plunged his tongue into his mouth was far more intoxicating a lucious than anything know known to human kind. It burned away any senses within his mind and replaced with a unquenchable need, causing him to involuntarily move against him. In an effort to not loose all control of himself, he kept hold of his cause on the edge of his thoughts, clinging tightly as the demon clutched onto his ass.

“God, boy,” the demon said, “you really need me pretty damn bad, don’tcha?”

“I need to fuck you,” Jane panted, unzipping their pants. “Need to fuck you hard.”

“Ain’t never heard you talk like that ‘fore but don’t you dare stop now, boy, I like you talkin’ like that!” Wrapping the demon’s legs around his waist, Jane carried them into the room. At one time it could have just been an office but, like the other times the demon had seduced him, the space turned into a lavish bedroom lit by sparely placed candles with red silk sheets on the large bed. He allowed the body to drop onto the bed’s edge and rippped away his pants. When he looked at the demon’s face, he almost saw Dell Conagher and thought of how he wanted to crawl over the body and kiss his effections into him. Then he remembered all those other times throughout the year, how he was lured in by Dell’s natural beauty and stranded by unbearable lust, and knew he had to give the devil what he wanted to make his plan work.

The demon’s hands quickly worked to free Jane’s sore cock for him. Jane shoved him down and slid between his tights. Gripping beneath the demon’s hips, Jane devled into the entrance, instantly rewarded with moans of encouragement. He could feel an indescribable heat and pleasure with every trust into him that drove him crazy for more, making it harder to remember why he needed to play the devil’s game. The bed squeaked loudly as he pounded into him but couldn’t drown out their thunderous voices. He kept moving fiercely, craving sweet release, the bellows of his name pushing him closer to the edge. Watching the demon cum, he felt bliss rattle within him as he filled the demon.

Instead of allowing his now weary body the rest it plead for, he pulled a pistol from his pocket. He aimed for the heart and fired a bullet into him. A bullet made with the most potent holy water and the slither of the cross that bore Christ himself. A dark cloud lifted from Conagher’s body and exploded into a billion white sparks.From the ceiling, an angel with long, black wings descended. Running to the bed, he took Father Conagher’s body in his arms. “This one’s mine,” he shouted. When the angel disappeared alone, he heard a warm, faint Texan voice and saw that the beautiful green irises were restored.


	6. Make Them into an Animal!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't not pick raccoons.

While the world slept, the raccoons were awake. Moonlight guided their paws for miles until they reached the small farmhouse. Climbing onto the shed’s roof, the pair looked down. “Target acquired,” Jane whispered, pointing down to the doghouse below. Two chains on ground made a line to the snoring Walker hounds.

“There they are. Ol’ Queeny and Duke,” Dell whispered with a tinge of excitement. Queeny and Duke were horror story legends among the woodland animals. No one that had met them survived their instinctive rage. The only reason their names were know was because a human would shout it just before their tr-colored fur and a bright light burst from the darkness. Any witnesses weren’t doubted since their ear-shattering howls could be heard for miles. It didn‘t matter how far or how fast you ran; they are always right behind you and they will always seal your doom by trapping you up a tree. When you heard the human and the howls, you were guaranteed death. No tales meant to scare animals away from houses could rob Dell’s or Jane’s thirst for adventure. “Sure ain’t ready for the hell they’re ‘bout to get! Let’s go on down there!”

“Rodger that!” With a salute, Jane was the first to sneak down from the shed onto the dirt. Each paw struck the ground without sound as he grew closer to the sleeping monsters. Just like their past dates, their scent, amazingly enough, went unnoticed. This always thrilled Jane for that meant he had closer range to surprise his enemies with. Stopping an inch away from a large snout, Jane stood on his hind legs. “Sleeping on the job, maggot,” he yelled. He reached down and punched Duke across the nose. Wide honey eyes stared at him with bewilderment. “I’m sorry, princess! I didn’t realize you needed your beauty sleep!” Another fist struck Duke’s nose. Hideous teeth were revealed as Duke growled. Queeny woke upon hearing her husband. “You are a lazy pile of fur! Do you understand, maggot?” Once more, Jane punched Duke but this time he leaped away before his paw could be trapped in a row of white daggers. 

The chain that restricted his movement was forgotten by Duke as he charged towards Jane. About six feet into his chase, Duke came to an abrupt stop.As Queeny rose to her paws, Dell hopped on her back. One paw grasped onto her collar as the other was held high in the air. Queeny instantly noticed the additional weight and flung around in an attempt to remove it. “Yeehaaw,” Dell hollered, using all the muscles in his hind legs to stay on. Dell’s wild ride came to an end when he saw Jane running towards him. The hounds collided seconds after Jane ran between Queeny’s legs. Howls launched into the stars while the Walkers mindlessly chased after them. Around and around they went until Duke and Queeny were so wrapped in their chains that they couldn’t advance an inch. The trapped hounds lifted their jaws to the air and bellowed their anger.

Dell stood near the mass of iron and fur. With Jane by his side, he admired their handy work. “Looks like a mighty fine ball of dumb, don’t it,” Dell commented.

“Sure does,” Jane replied, patting Dell on the back. “Good work out there!”

“Shoot, it was easy since I had a mighty handsome cridder helpin’ me out.” Dell leaned over to give Jane a kiss on the cheek. The small act of love was returned with a tender lick across his lips. Tails wrapped together, they walked into the woods, talking over the howling. Then Dell stopped a quarter of a mile later with his ears perked up. “Jane, that howlin‘, it’s gettin’ closer.”

They turned their heads in time to witness a beam of light erupt in the pitch black. Two masses of fur rapidly approached them. In the distance, they could hear a human. “Go on, Duke! Get ‘em, Queeny! Get after ’em! Get! Get!”


End file.
